Changing The Shaming Filter
by John McMullin

Have you had the experience of offering another person a compliment and yet it is heard as shaming? How often do we experience the gifts of life as shaming or fearful? Is it possible that many families learn to give attention through shaming statements and we conditioned ourselves to interpret the attention as affection? Therefore we continue to teach other people to meet our emotional needs through shame.

There are two levels of changing the shaming filter. First, we must have sensitivity to the shaming process. Most of us have been so numbed out over the years of shaming that we are not aware that we are the source or the subject of a shaming statement. We may feel it, but often do not hear it. Most shaming comes in the form of the need to prove or defend. When we find ourselves proving or defending we can look deeper to find the hidden shame and help those ego parts to feel valued and safe.  The second level of processing shame happens after we begin to hear the shaming messages we send or receive. We can then intervene in the shaming process by reflecting and responding rather than reacting.